Copacabana

Random thought, feel free to move on

Ever feel like you're moving through water? Yeah, me too. Here's the thing -- I've only been looking at the things I really want, forgoing even applying to places or positions that are unlikely to accept me idealogically, or that I'm unlikely to agreeably accept because I've been working a long time, even during the advanced degree, and I just don't know if I'd be a happy employee "starting out" in an entry-level position in a bureaucratic labyrinth of cubicles. I have that job now. That's why I went back to school. Sigh. I always make things so hard on myself. Sometimes I wish I would've just gone the traditional route -- less people would regard me as odd I think -- and settled down early, had the family, worked a job and just developed a life I liked. Alas, that wasn't in the cards for this kid. Far too unsure of who I was and what I wanted. It's one of the things they don't tell you: knowing what you want doesn't make things any easier. You still have to work to get it. I almost prefer the years of just taking the things that fell into my lap -- as flawed and miserable-making as they were -- because I didn't have to deal with this painful swim, lungs burning, strength fading, all layered with the melancholy potential of "what if I fail? what if I never get there and I drown 12 feet from shore? Then people will pity me and I absolutely cannot have that!"

Is it true that if you keep trying you never fail? Damn I hope so. I so fear becoming Rilke's Panther:

The Panther
Translated by D.C. Barranco, echt mench

From seeing only bars, his seeing is exhausted.
It holds nothing, nothing more.

To him, the world is bars,
100,000 bars, and behind the bars, nothing.

The lithe swinging of his rhythmic, easy stride
circles an inner hub a dance of energy,
round a central point.

Inside, a gigantic Will stands stunned and numb.

Only, at times, the curtains rise.

Silently, a vision enters,
slips though the focused silence of his shoulders,
reaches his heart,
and dies.


Here's something I came across today that I found interesting while researching whether or not there are privacy controls on groups in Facebook (not for fun, for work. Despite what you think, I do actually work during the day). Sly predatory behavior toward sly marketing end is alive and well in the social networking world. I predict this kind of thing starts to become a real issue -- i.e. makes it to the mainstream media -- within the year. Or has it already?

And thank you Brother D and Em for recommending this book. I bought it and thought, okay, this goes behind the other 4 I've promised to read first, until I read the first chapter and really, seriously, can't put it down. I spend half my evenings applying for jobs and the other half engrossed in this book. Good news? I'll be done with it in a week.

posted by Lola @ 1:46 PM