Copacabana

I try and fail so much you think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not...

Little Lola's pretty sad today and is likely to be for some time to come. For a writer, my communication skills are pretty tragic -- I'm so bad in fact that I somehow manage to convince people I don't care when I really do, that I'm useless when I'm really not and that I enjoy being treated like a doormat when, dammit, I really, really, for truly, don't.

I also can stand up for myself and unfortunately people generally don't expect me to and so are horrified when I do -- to disastrous results usually. Or maybe it's not that they don't expect me to as much as when I do I am sort of a force to be reckoned with. I have a lot of my mother in me -- it takes us a while to get angry but when you do you may just see the devil in our eyes. Seriously, not joking about that. My mother has actually thrown me a look that suggested that she regretted the day I was conceived, would just as soon have me off the planet, and was currently trying to figure out the best way to accomplish that end without getting caught (sorry mom but you know it's true).

So, in order to quell the rage impulse I have, I cry a lot, usually out of pure frustration -- I'm crying because the alternative is really bad. This leads to people thinking I'm overly sensitive and/or weak. Which leads to the aforementioned doormat thing.

I'm so screwed.

Right now the rage impulse is in full swing because I've recently had to break my heart a little in order to do the right thing and am hunting for work, a process that guarantees rejection after rejection until, finally, after months of trying, acceptance. I know this is coming and I'm anxious about it. The situation has been ramped up here recently as well but I won't go into all that. Suffice to say that sometimes you can never do enough.

But dancing helps. And I'll be doing a lot of that this weekend. It makes me feel like I can do something properly and with a little bit of grace, and that I can't hurt or offend anyone by just trying to move beautifully through space.

Here's one of the songs for a piece I'm in. I send it out to a friend of mine that I hope understands better than I think he does.

posted by Lola @ 8:58 AM